Safety Warningby BAS ’14

Welcome aboard passengers, and thank you for choosing Odyssey Spacelines for your commercial space flight needs. We know you don’t have a choice in commercial space flight providers, but frankly we’re just surprised you trust your lives to this very, very new technology. I’m still scared to flush the toilets in this thing.

Your captain today will be Astronaut Guy Haber, who wants you to know that even though he dreamt of conquering new galaxies in the name of science and human progress, he’s perfectly happy carting the über rich around on sightseeing trips of the upper atmosphere.

Here at Odyssey Spacelines, safety is our top priority, followed closely by making sure we are not liable for any death, destruction, or damage to the national psyche that may result from our flights. In the extremely likely event of an emergency, your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device, or you can just use one of the other dead bodies floating around you in zero gravity. Please keep all twenty-nine of your seatbelts fastened at all times, and the only time smoking is allowed is if we are boarded by aliens and we all need to look really badass while we fight them.

If there is a sudden drop in cabin pressure, full astronaut suits will drop from the ceilings. These are heavy, impossible to put on, and will probably just knock you mercifully unconscious when they fall on your head. Even though you paid hundreds of millions of dollars for these tickets, in-flight meals are still extra and please don’t use the first class bathroom.