Floor Dudeby JBO ’10

Everyone likes going to parties, but if you want to be successful at them, you’ve got to go in with a strategy. And these days, one of the best strategies out there is Floor Dude. If you’ve been at any parties where I’ve also been, you’ve probably seen him—he’s the guy who’s lying on the ground, sort of shimmying back and forth, with everybody circled around him, cheering and chanting his name. How does that guy do it??

You might think that he does it by going into a party vertical, saying something like, “Ah dang, my new ankle bracelet just fell off, I’ll just get down here and look for it,” and then quickly flattening himself out before shouting, “FLOOR DUDE, FLOOR DUDE, FLOOR DUDE! FLOOR DUDE HAS ENTERED THE FLOOR!”

But you’d be wrong. He doesn’t do that because it would take away from the believability. Even if people are pretty sure that nobody goes through life constantly lying down and doing nothing but going to parties, it’s something that in their hearts they want to believe. So be on the ground from the second you get there. Outside, you can use your arms to scrunch yourself along, but by the time you’re indoors, you should be pumping them the same way you would if you were walking standing up. Just doing some chill lie-down walking, it’s just how I do it! That’s the message you should be trying to send. Then you should shout the thing from above.

Now people are going to be looking down at you, so give them a little bit of what they came for. “If a guy fell into a cave, he’d look like thiiiiiiiis!” you can say, flailing your arms around and doing that “falling” effect with your voice. Or, “If a guy fell off a cliff onto some ice, he’d look like thiiiiiis!” (At the end of that one, do something to show that you’re cold). You can hold your fingers together to make your hands look like claws. Ahh, it’s a crab that came to life! Nope. It’s Floor Dude, doing his thing.

One final thing you can do is right in the middle of all your stuff, stop. Oh no, Floor Dude got paralyzed! Quick, quick, somebody get him his paralyzation medicine—I’m talkin’ beer, floor brew! Doesn’t matter what kind, just pour it straight into my mouth! Before it’s too late! A lot of people are bad at pouring beer and will get some on your face, so don’t be afraid to yell at them.