Commencement Speech at My Dog College by CAS ’12

Well, you did it guys. You graduated! (Loud barking) Heel! Heel, Fletcher! Spray him, Professor Randolph! Great. Perfect. Congratulations once again.

When I founded this Dog College four years ago people thought I was trying to evade taxes, but now look at those people… they’re still auditing me, most of them, but a few have retired or transferred cases. The point is I have a simple dream—to give some dogs liberal arts degrees – and by God I’m sticking to it! (Wait for barking to die down, if dogs start barking) Thank you.

When you walk out these gates remember that the real world isn’t like Dog College. Not everyone out there will assume you have a basic understanding of Hegel, and almost nobody will know what Dog College is or have any way of knowing you attended it. Most importantly, remember to always believe in yourself. Your owners paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to send you here, and they are expecting some really unreasonable things.

To all of the she-dogs in the audience: keep your heads up, ladies! You don’t have to stay at home and raise puppies just because “society” says you should! That said, please don’t expect to enjoy successful careers. None of you should expect careers of any sort. (Blow high-frequency whistle)

God bless you, graduates. Your best days are ahead!