Sexual Harassment Memoby NHS ’10

Dear Male Employees,

I am writing this memo because of a certain incident that I don’t think I even need to mention, but suffice it to say that it involved a certain male employee’s comment about another employee of unspecified gender’s vagina. I’m not going to repeat the comment for fear of being overly hilarious—we all know Paul has a heart condition. Sorry if people didn’t know that, Paul.

Your female coworkers are a valued resource of our company. They are just like any other company resource, except sexier. And like every other company resource, they deserve our deepest respect and admiration. I only ask that you respect up close, but admire from afar.

I know we all have the best of intentions, but we still need to watch what we say. Women can sometimes take things the wrong way, but other times they will realize that we are harassing them. There is one topic that is just too taboo to joke about. But if you have a really good one, you can use the following code word and only us men will know what you’re talking about: ravage.

I know that tensions can sometimes build, and if you ever find yourself in need of a sexual release, just remember that we have bathroom stalls for a reason. I’m not sure why, but trying to figure it out always calms me down. In closing, the best advice I can give you is the so-called “golden rule”: silence is golden. Also, don’t say anything sexually harassing.

Unharassingly,
Your boss