Budget Cut Speech

Hello,

I was elected on the promise that I would cut the US Budget, and by God I am going to do it. My critics said this was an impossible task, but here are a few simple things that nobody would even miss that much.

1. $5 billion on faster scorpions: CUT THIS!
2. $100 billion on machines that create bad dreams for all Americans: CUT!
3. $200 billion for The National Woman Hitting League: NOT ON MY WATCH!

God Bless You, and God Bless America.

Commencement Speech at My Dog College

Well, you did it guys. You graduated! (Loud barking) Heel! Heel, Fletcher! Spray him, Professor Randolph! Great. Perfect. Congratulations once again.

When I founded this Dog College four years ago people thought I was trying to evade taxes, but now look at those people… they’re still auditing me, most of them, but a few have retired or transferred cases. The point is I have a simple dream—to give some dogs liberal arts degrees – and by God I’m sticking to it! (Wait for barking to die down, if dogs start barking) Thank you.

When you walk out these gates remember that the real world isn’t like Dog College. Not everyone out there will assume you have a ...

Letters I Wrote Before I Understood How Letters Worked

Dear Sneeze,
Please come out of Claire's nose.
Love,
Charlie

Dear Table,
Thank you for everything.
Sincerely,
Charlie

Dear Governor,
I hope you don't mind if I call you governor, table.
Love,
Charlie

Pet Cemetery

"Dad, do we really have to do this?", I asked. I was pretty skeptical about burying pet corpses to resurrect them, and I never even liked Fletcher when he was alive.

"You keep quiet boy", my dad growled, "Fletcher was the only thing keeping this family together". I had no idea what he meant, since we bought Fletcher two months after the car crash that killed most of our family, but whatever. We all grieve in our own ways, dad by killing our dog and then trying to bring it back to life.

"Okay", he announced after a while, "We're nearly at the Indian burial ground".

I groaned. "Native American burial ground, Dad."

"Sorry. You know I come from ...

Headhunter

- Hello, Mr. Jefferies. I am a headhunter representing the Reamson Corporation and--
- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
- Mr. Jefferies?
- HEADHUNTER! HEADHUNTER! HEAD HUNTERRR!!!
- You don’t understand, Mr. Jefferies.
- Oh I understand perfectly. A headhunter is someone businesses hire when they need a position filled externally. You’re hiring me for the Vice President job at Reamson, presumably?
- Well I can’t make a formal offer yet. But, yes, Reamson is very interested.
- I see.
- In fact---
- [stabbing] TAKE THAT YOU STUPID HEADHUNTER YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TURNED AROUND!!!